Day 111 - Toxal and money

13:00
I battled to fall asleep with the phantom pain, but when I finally did, I slept for 11 hours.
One good thing about phantom pain, is that I concentrate on it and don't see the angiosarcoma elephant in the room.
 
I have been reading about Taxol. That is the main ingredient in Paclitaxel, the anti cancer drug I get in my chemo treatment.

Throughout history the Yew tree has been used for many purposes. The wood was used by English archers to make the long bow, and it was used to make barrels. It was also used as a poison, hence the name Taxol (Latin for Toxic). The Latin name for the Pacific Yew tree is "Taxus brevifolia".

In the 1960's, the bark was stripped off the Pacific Yew tree, and the poison taken out. Stripping the bark kills the tree. It took about 2000 mature trees to make 1kg of Paclitaxel. In 1990 they found that Taxol was also in the needles of the English Yew tree. It was in higher concentrations, and the tree was not killed harvesting the needles.

They have since been able to produce Taxol synthetically in the laboratory,
but it is still cheaper to use the needles from the English Yew tree. This is how the main supplier of Taxel, Bristol-Myers, does it. There was some controversy about patenting something that is found in nature. But then most of our drugs today are from plants. Aspirin, morphine, quinine, cocaine, and many many others. That is one reason to protect the environment.
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22:00
I just fell off my wheelchair. It gave me such a fright. I wasn't playing around at all. I was just moving forward near the big chair. One of the front caster wheels met the chair at an angle, and the rubber tire rode up the front of the chair on an incline, and tipped the chair backwards. I was lucky because as the front of the chair lifted, the front caster wheel got stuck under the chair cushion, and slowed the fall into slow motion.
I would never have believed such a thing could happen, but it did.

I fear that I will soon need to get some money from somewhere. I am in debt to my friend, and Maddie. I do not do "debt" very well.
I need a wheel chair, and I need plane tickets to George and back. I dread to think what the tickets to the US will cost early next year.
I need to get into the mode of spending all my wealth in the next few years, and not try to plan for living another 20 years. I think that 5 years is max, so I better start spending quick.
It is a very difficult thing for me. I am a cheap, frugal person. and spending money on a wheel chair when I have crutches is silly to me. But it would make my life MUCH easier.
Spending all my money in the next few years, then living another 20 years would be a soul destroying event. Having planed so careful all my life, then have everything turn out so wrong....I guess that is why they call events like angiosarcoma, "Black Swans".
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Day 91 - In Pain, and buying a car.

We both slept OK, and we got up early to drive the beetle to see another car for sale.
Maddie really likes this car. It is a 2005 Hyundai Atos  with automatic transmission.
I drove it, and it really would suit us very well. It is easy for me to get into and out of. It is about 10 years newer than some of the Mercedes we have been looking at. It is smaller and gets better fuel consumption. I am concerned about the price. It is about R15,000 more than I want to spend on a car.
Even though it seems a fair deal, it is a lot of money. That R15,000 is money that my prosthesis will not get.
We went home to think about it.
But I find it hard to concentrate, and this is a big decision. My mind is fighting phantom pain.
My toes are in spasm. The car will need to go through a roadworthy check. My stump keeps jerking in sympathy with the phantom pain. If we pay the dealer to do the roadworthy, then they must fix any discrepancies. My toes feel they were run over by a steam roller. That much money will leave me with R2000 total in the bank. This pain is real pain. R2000 won't be enough to feed me for the rest of the month. This phantom jerking takes my full attention. I'll be so short of money if I buy this car. Rubbing the stump seems to help.  I found this exact car for sale on the internet for R5000 cheaper. But it is now at another dealer. Maybe I need a pain pill. We call the salesman to talk about why the price has gone up. Rubbing does help the stump to not have pain. The salesman says that the lower price does not include roadworthy checks, license fees and the registration. The pain comes in waves. I need a car, and this is a good car at a fair price. Common sense says to buy the car, and worry about other costs later. I wonder if a constant massage would help with the pain.
I think we will buy the car. I need to maybe again try to meditate the pain away.
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Maddie, the bookkeeper, has attacked my finances.  So far she has found about 4000R discrepancies in my favor.
We dumped out seat cushions and gathered up all the money in the house.  She drove the beetle to the car dealer while I laid home in pain and tried to equanimitize the phantom pain.
She got the ball rolling, and paid over half to the dealer, and he started the paperwork, and the inspections. We will pay the remaining amount, and collect the car on maybe next Tuesday.

I feel useless. Maddie is so busy, and I lay around in pain.

I did 2 meditations today. One was a good one, and I spent about 30 minutes trying to equanimitize the phantom pain. Sweeping the stump only shows very minor sensations, and I get no feedback from the missing foot. The only sensations the missing foot has, are one that it sends out as pain signals.  I can detect nothing except the false pain signal. It is like the pain signals have no source. There is nothing to equanimitize.
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People that know me personally, know I am a very frugal person, and that I get physically ill when I spend money.
For those that don't know me, just ignore all my rants about money. I have enough money, but I will always complain loud and strong if I have to spend any.
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