Sep 24 2016 - Nightmares, and too much Thinking.

02:30
My good leg is itching.
My stump end hurts.
My lower back is needing constant stretching.
I'm hot.
I haven't shat for days.
My brain is doing way too much thinking about stuff it shouldn't think about.

At about 01:00 I woke up from a bad dream. On the airline flight to America, I had taken off the prosthetic leg to sleep, and some child had poured glue in the socket as a joke.

I awoke again at about 01:15. I was under arrest at airport security because I had a tool kit that I use to repair the prosthetic knee.

About 1:30 I dreamed I was on crutches in the RV in Florida.  Some friend were outside wanting in, to visit. I couldn't get to the main door to unlock it. I have to go down the narrow stairs to get to the door to unlock and open it. I can't get down the steps. I can't open the door with the crutch tips. So I sit on the floor and slide to the drivers door and open it. My friends enter the RV from the drivers door, but I am laying on the floor. They have to step over me. They remark how all the food they had bought with me three days ago, when I had landed at the airport, was still in the bags. I can't crutch, and carry stuff to the cupboard. Some of the food was starting to smell.
I still haven't hooked up water, sewage, or electricity. It is very cold in the RV.
I only have the RV for transport, and haven't even started it yet to see if it even runs. I have no cell phone sim card, so have not called any one to help me.

At 02:00 I awake to the song "Being done to soon." in my head. It is playing over and over in my head. Maybe I need a tattoo of the lyrics.

At 02:15 I get up, and turn the computer on.
I blame the nightmares because I watched "Brian's Song" on TV last night.

I fold my laundry.

I make hot milk Horliks. Maybe it will make me sleepy.

I start playing a computer game. But I can't concentrate.

I rub an anesthetic on my good leg, and massage my stump lots.

There are advantages, and disadvantages to being alone in life.
I can get up at 02:00 and nobody else gets inconvenienced, but also, nobody cares.
I don't have someone touching me when I don't want to be touched. But I also don't have someone to hug, when I need a hug.
I don't have to "report" my whereabouts to anyone, but there is also no one to care whether I got home OK or not.
There is no one to "bother" me when I want to be alone, but there is no one to call at 02:00 if I need some help.
Friends are a very good thing, but they are not right here, right now!

So maybe being in a bad relationship is better than not being in any relationship.
There should be some happy medium. Like someone living with you that is a very good friend.
Maybe I am thinking about things like this because my life situation has changed, and I am now more dependent on others than I have been in the past.

I desperately crave total independence, but I also need someone. Reconciling these two aspects of my life will probably never happen. I have never worked at improving the people skills needed for this to happen.

I don't know.

Now 05:30.. I'm going to try sleep again.

Sep 4 2016 - Nightmares and Immortality.

A few mornings ago, I awoke from a nightmare at 03:30. I didn't sleep again till after 05:30.
In the nightmare, my body was covered by hundreds of Angiosarcoma tumors.

There is nothing I can do to prevent my death, and anything I do to delay death, seems to make my current existence less enjoyable.

Sallekhana is the spiritual detachment, and declaration that a person is finished with this world and has chosen to leave it. Usually because of old age, famine, or disease.
It is not suicide. No violence to the body. Just a choice to return the soul to the universe, from where it came.

Energy cannot be created nor destroyed. As I sit here and breath, my body heat is warming this room a bit. Therefore, it is also warming Africa (a tiny bit), and also warming the whole Earth (a very, tiny bit).
The growth of a cactus, on a ranch in Texas, is being affected, by my sitting at a computer in South Africa. (a very, super tiny bit).

 If I die right now, by having rearranged the distribution of energy, I have changed the world.
All my friends are changed. The energy my friends get from the earth, and from the air they breath, is different, because of me.

All the energy, and morality I put into this universe, will change everyone, and everything, till the end of time.
I am immortal. :-)

My immortality didn't keep Maddie from moving on with her life, and finding another man. She has paid her dues by taking care of a husband that died from cancer, then taking care of me, with cancer, and the losing of my leg.
If I was her, I would be looking for someone to take care of ME for a change. I wish her the best of luck with life.

Today I had to go get more prescription drugs at the pharmacy. It seemed like all the stupid and rude people in the world were also at the pharmacy. I came home, and there was no-one to tell about the stupid people. It takes a very intimate friend to care about what I did this day. Today's events were trivial, but I still wanted to share them.

I miss Maddie. :-(

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