Sep 24 2016 - Nightmares, and too much Thinking.

02:30
My good leg is itching.
My stump end hurts.
My lower back is needing constant stretching.
I'm hot.
I haven't shat for days.
My brain is doing way too much thinking about stuff it shouldn't think about.

At about 01:00 I woke up from a bad dream. On the airline flight to America, I had taken off the prosthetic leg to sleep, and some child had poured glue in the socket as a joke.

I awoke again at about 01:15. I was under arrest at airport security because I had a tool kit that I use to repair the prosthetic knee.

About 1:30 I dreamed I was on crutches in the RV in Florida.  Some friend were outside wanting in, to visit. I couldn't get to the main door to unlock it. I have to go down the narrow stairs to get to the door to unlock and open it. I can't get down the steps. I can't open the door with the crutch tips. So I sit on the floor and slide to the drivers door and open it. My friends enter the RV from the drivers door, but I am laying on the floor. They have to step over me. They remark how all the food they had bought with me three days ago, when I had landed at the airport, was still in the bags. I can't crutch, and carry stuff to the cupboard. Some of the food was starting to smell.
I still haven't hooked up water, sewage, or electricity. It is very cold in the RV.
I only have the RV for transport, and haven't even started it yet to see if it even runs. I have no cell phone sim card, so have not called any one to help me.

At 02:00 I awake to the song "Being done to soon." in my head. It is playing over and over in my head. Maybe I need a tattoo of the lyrics.

At 02:15 I get up, and turn the computer on.
I blame the nightmares because I watched "Brian's Song" on TV last night.

I fold my laundry.

I make hot milk Horliks. Maybe it will make me sleepy.

I start playing a computer game. But I can't concentrate.

I rub an anesthetic on my good leg, and massage my stump lots.

There are advantages, and disadvantages to being alone in life.
I can get up at 02:00 and nobody else gets inconvenienced, but also, nobody cares.
I don't have someone touching me when I don't want to be touched. But I also don't have someone to hug, when I need a hug.
I don't have to "report" my whereabouts to anyone, but there is also no one to care whether I got home OK or not.
There is no one to "bother" me when I want to be alone, but there is no one to call at 02:00 if I need some help.
Friends are a very good thing, but they are not right here, right now!

So maybe being in a bad relationship is better than not being in any relationship.
There should be some happy medium. Like someone living with you that is a very good friend.
Maybe I am thinking about things like this because my life situation has changed, and I am now more dependent on others than I have been in the past.

I desperately crave total independence, but I also need someone. Reconciling these two aspects of my life will probably never happen. I have never worked at improving the people skills needed for this to happen.

I don't know.

Now 05:30.. I'm going to try sleep again.