Jan 23 23:15
Last night was a drug night. Lots of phantom pain. But an excess of drugs seems to be the only thing that works. I need an "unconscious"pill. When the phantom pain comes, I don't want consciousness. If I can't stop the pain, I want to stop thought.
I don't seem to have phantom pain when I am walking or when I am busy. It comes when I am relaxed, or bored. Wearing the prosthetic leg for long periods seems to make it worse later on. Also when I walk lots, and get tired, it seems to be worse a few hours later. I remember before the prosthesis, when I would crutch lots, I would have phantom pain later that evening. Maybe I need to take tomorrow off, and let the stump just rest the whole day and see if the pain is less in the evening.
One thing I forgot to mention the other day about employment disability, is chronic pain. The use of narcotics and strong pain killers to stop pain is as bad for an employer as the physical inability of an employee to do a job related task. So even if the physical amputation does not result is being "officially" disabled, the use of drugs for phantom pain can make you "officially" disabled.
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My friend and I went to the big mall today. They have expanded the mall with about 20 new stores in a new section. We ate and chatted at a restaurant that I used to enjoy. Now it is very big. I think I will spend lots of money there.
My friend was explaining about a network security misconfiguration he has been dealing with. I listened, and understood all that he said, but I could not put it all together to understand why it was bad. He explained it many times in different ways. My intelligence was just to low. I almost started crying. It was so sad.
I figured that I would be able to do all the computer network related things I used to do. After all, cancer, and a leg amputation doesn't stop computer use. But the phantom pain does. With the drugs I take to be able to sleep, my mind is too fuzzy to be of any use when real thinking is required.
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I have been reading lots about Doctors trying to use prosthetics to relieve phantom pain. One good article said:
Phantom Limb Pain (PLP) causes important disabilities to many of those living with it. It has been shown that PLP has a negative impact on people's social participation and health-related quality of life.
Moreover, some studies suggest that pain could be associated with difficulties with the prosthesis and could be a reason for prosthesis abandonment. However, the association between prosthesis use and PLP remains unclear because negative, positive, or no association has been found between these two variables in different studies.
On guy said the following, which sounds very much like me:
"PLP does not change, except that when I wear my prosthesis and I work on machinery, on tractors, I think about what I'm doing and less about it [PLP]. When I sit, in the evening, it is more painful. When I'm not active, it is more painful. So it has to be drowned in something, in work." [Patient 9–43 years of experience]
The article also said:
One Professional reported that the prosthesis allows patients to engage in significant activities that often direct their attention away from their PLP. She also suggested that the prosthesis may have a normalizing effect by allowing patients to use their amputated limb which could contribute to decreasing PLP. However, three health professionals also said that the prosthesis can increase PLP when it is poorly adjusted, when it stimulates a trigger point, or when it is too heavy. Moreover, one of them reported, as did the patients, that after wearing the prosthesis for many hours, PLP seems to increase.
One good thing this article taught me was to write PLP instead of writing out phantom pain. :-)
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Sunday 24 Jan 11:00
I just got out of bed. I had a good 12 hour drug induced sleep.
Cancer, then loosing a leg, then phantom pain, now loosing my intelligence.
There are many battles in this war of life. Sometimes I am not sure which battle I am currently fighting.
Today I am not using the prosthetic leg. Wearing it seems to make the
phantom pain worse, which means more drugs, which means more stupid.
I have a choice: Interact with the physical world, or interact with the mental world. Choose one. :-(
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Monday 25 Jan 00:20
Lots of PLP. I spent the whole day laying in bed, or sitting in the wheel chair. No crutching, and no prosthetic leg. Tonight at 20:00 I only took a celebrex. No lyrica. I then took a 25 mg Tripiline. Hoping that I would be able to sleep without strong stupid making pills.
But by 23:00 I was in pain. I don't want to read, or play Sudoku, or play computer. It just hurts. My left toes are cramping bad. I took a muscle relaxer.
at 00:10 I took 2 Tramacet pain pills.
As usual when there is pain now, you want to take more drugs because the pain is worst, and you want relief NOW. I think the smart thing is to take lots of pills, but take them plenty early, so the PLP never gets a head start. But ...It hurts NOW!
I don't know why they don't make an "unconscious" pill. That would work great for chronic pain.
It is 01:40 and I guess I'll just publish this.
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