I only got to sleep at 3:30 this morning, but then slept til 10:30. So I guess 7 hours is good sleep, even if it is at the wrong times.
Today was blood test day. I will get the results before chemo tomorrow. Chemo is at 10:15. I need to load the wheelchair again into the car.
I crutched to the blood test place. It is about .8km. Then I went to a restaurant nearby for a 13:00 breakfast, then crutched back home. 2.03km total. My longest crutching to date.
Today I got medical aid approval for all my prosthetic treatment. The total medical aid will pay the first year will be about R100,000. But the knee that was approved is less than the one I wanted :-( I'll need to add about R22,000. The foot is the one I wanted, and the socket making is good. The dates on the approval were wrong. It said the approval expires Dec 30 2015. I'm sure they meant 2016. I called the prosthesis place, and they will check into it.
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Perhaps now days, in the new, modern world of instant gratification, people are looking for faster solutions to their problems. Some things are not solvable quickly. Like Angiosarcoma, or a leg amputation.
Is this one reason for the high suicide rate among teenagers? They want a problem solved NOW. Suicide solves the problem NOW.
Instant gratification, using a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
One reason (??) for teen suicide is teen homosexuality. Some kid is gay, and tells his best friend who blabs it all over school, and the shame and embarrassment is to much to bare. The instant solution is suicide. There seems to be no thought that "This too shall pass." Children are not taught about solving problems anymore. They think if the answers are not found at https://google.com, then there must be no answers.
Our society has a taboo against suicide. Is this just a carryover from what ever religion we were raised in? Many people say they don't understand suicide. Probably because they never discussed it, or thought about it.
I don't think anybody ever commits suicide because they want to die. They do it because of pain. Real, or perceived. This pain can be emotional, spiritual, or physical.
One of my heroes, Adolph Diesel, committed suicide because of the pain of migraines. I can sympathize with him.
Many people have killed themselves when diagnosed with cancer. Cancer patients have a 5 times greater chance of committing suicide that the normal population. Again, I can sympathize with them.
Are cancer suicides really suicide, or does the phrase "death with dignity" fit the action better.
Is it wrong, when you see you are dying, and you think that God is not the cure for cancer, God is the reason you have cancer. He could cure you with a snap of his fingers, but he doesn't. When God is firing you from the human race, maybe it is the time to tell God "You can't fire me... Because I quit!"
Have I ever thought of suicide?
Yes.
Many times.
The thought of suicide on a long, dark, lonely, painful night is a way of putting ME in control of my life. No matter how bad the pain, or the cancer, or the crappy lifestyle, I always have a Plan "B".
I have an option.
I have a choice.
Many times I have made the decision to see if the pain will go, and tomorrow will be better. Maybe the pain is temporary (ish), and the suffering will be gone.
I hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Even though I have chemo tomorrow.
I hope tonight will be a better night. Even though I have a lot of phantom pain now.
I hope that I will have many happy years with Maddie and my friends. Even though I have a very aggressive cancer.
So far I have never been quite ready for that final act. Maybe I am just not ready to face what may be a final disappointment.
I wish many teens would consider suicide as a Plan 'B', and not as a solution to a temporary problem.
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