Today was a long and chaotic day.
I was too anxious to spend some time with my girlfriend on the coast, and didn't think about all the complexities of a quick trip.
I booked a bus seat to leave on Friday evening. From Pretoria to the coast.
Then I remembered that I needed to have the leg wounds dressed every few days.
Trying to pay for the bus seat via the internet is so much more difficult now with the new security measures, so I got it done by phone with the head office in Cape Town.
I then had to go to the bus station and get my card swiped. The bus station near my house has moved to downtown Pretoria. More traveling in Friday afternoon traffic. I called the wound care lady, and she said I could come in today. I then managed to re book the bus to only leave on Saturday afternoon.
I went to the wound care lady, and she redressed the sores on my leg. Two are large and bleeding and weeping. They look similar to what they looked like 10 days ago. I would be very happy if they cut them all out. How can an open bleeding cancer tumor be something you allow to grow and exist for weeks? It does not make sense to me.
Getting the new compression stocking on was a real mission. It took the wound lady almost half an hour. With my bad back, I don't think I could put that stocking on without a lot of help. I hope Maddie has strong, thin fingers without fingernails. If she doesn't now have strong, fingers without fingernails, she will by next week. :-)
The compression stocking goes from my toes to the top of my thigh. If they are worried about spreading of cancer, then it seems they would not want the leg wrapped or compressed. When the leg is big and swollen, it cuts off the lymphatic and blood system. Isn't that what we want? I don't understand.
There is so much I don't understand.
In my experience, fear usually comes after a near death experience. With cancer it comes before.
In flying I never was overly concerned that I had many lives in my hands. I was concerned that the passengers were safe, comfortable, and "on time". Comfort and "on time" were my biggest concerns regarding the passengers. Their safety was almost assured, because it was so tightly linked to my own, and I did everything possible, to ensure my own safety. If I was bored, then they were safe. If I was scared, then they weren't safe.
With cancer, I seem to be dragging along all of my loved ones, through a long and unpleasant emotional journey, that none of them deserve.
If I died quickly, like a heart attack, then none of my loved ones would have the whole long, unpleasant, pre-death routine. I selfishly, don't want to commit suicide, to save my friends and loved ones from the pain of MY cancer.
Maybe if I was a better friend I would do so.
What we need is like an island where I will live out my days in luxury, with others like me. Before going to the "hospice island", I would say good by to all my friends, and they would never see me again, and they could start healing and get on with their lives, while I die comfortably with the knowledge that my loved ones are no longer suffering because of my cancer.
We need a Hospice Island.
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