Day 63 - Bad Start to the Day

01:25
I am so tired. I can barely walk, but I can't sleep.
At first I thought it must have been something in the health salad I ate. Then I thought maybe the sleeping pill,  but I think the sleeping pill is working well. I am stupid tired, and want nothing more than sleep. I have been in bed since around 22:00. I just lay there. I also have the twitches. About every minute or so my leg jerks and I roll over. When I lay still, it feels like a huge amount of swirling black smoke is trying to break out of my body.

I now think it must be the chemo. I have drank lots of water. Maybe what I need is a long walk. At 01:30 I would probably get shot.
 My left hand just would not type...I have to use my right hand for all my typing. It feels fine, and will pick up stuff, but when I try to aim for a letter, it does not move. Like my brain can't do fine control of my left hand.

Maybe I should now try to meditate.
My left hand will start and stop the fan. That is pushing a button on the fan. Why when I try to type a "g" my left had just hovers over the keyboard and will not move to the g? But I can work the light switch with my left hand.
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03:33
Still wide and wild awake. Maybe I am battling because of not including one of the  chemo side effect drugs during the chemo. I'll have to check.
My left hand now works OK.
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12:00 Noon
I just got up. I slept well from 5 till now. I am steaming broccoli and fish for breakfast.
I have been cleaning up a big mess I made last night. At around 4 this morning, I went to the sink in the kitchen and got a glass of water. I turned around to head for bed, and turned left instead of right and walked hard, straight into the kitchen cupboard. A bag of coffee beans fell off the top onto the floor. There are a lot of coffee beans in a one kg bag.
I once walked from Maun to Shakawe in Botswana by myself. I carried everything. It took 14 days. Long before GPS. Just a compass. Now I can not find my way to the kitchen door from the sink.

Chemo sucks.
Cancer sucks.
Angiosarcoma sucks.
Getting old sucks.
Being sick sucks.
Even remembering the past sucks.
I try to think of pleasant things, so I listen for the birds, But I only hear dogs barking at the trash men.
Trash men suck.
Dogs suck.
Even the birds won't sing. Birds suck.

I sometimes think I should have someone like Maddie here to help me. But help me what? Find the kitchen door? Pick up coffee beans? I think that rather than someone I care about, I should get my worst enemy, and have them stay with me.  Maybe Obama, or the NSA will help me pick up coffee beans.
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My surgeon just called. She wants to see me on Monday to talk about leg surgery. She also wants to refer me to her friend that has lots of angiosarcoma surgery experience. That is good news for me. I will soon have 3 doctors on my side. An oncologist, a surgeon I like, and a surgeon with extensive angiosarcoma experience.
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20:00
My friends in Texas just sent me an SMS. They say their pet long horn steer is old and not eating. Tex was a huge, strong, beast of an animal.
Here is Tex and Maddie a few years ago:

Maddie is on the right, Tex on the left. :-)
My friend is going to clone Tex. That is so cool. Tex is a wonderful animal.
But now Tex is skin and bones.  He eats so slow now that he can't get enough food into himself. He is old, and sick.
It is a funny world, when I can commiserate with a longhorn steer, better than I can with 99.9% of people on earth.
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