A lazy Saturday so far.
We went to a fancy garden restaurant for lunch. We both had a salmon salad.
While there, I was thinking about how having cancer makes me sad, and why.
A few days ago I talked about how I was only sad about missing things, that were enjoyable, or things that made me happy. Naturally I am not sad about never seeing things again that were unpleasant, painful, or terrifying.
I have one friend that says every second of life is precious, and must be cherished. I have another friend that says death is not a big deal. Two very opposite views.
It must be much easier to deal with cancer if you don't care whether you live or die.
I watched an earthworm crawl out of the ground, snoop around, then crawl back into the ground. I hope to see it again someday. But then I think about my cancer. I may never see an earthworm do that again. That is sad.
Today I went and listened to a fountain. Fountains are wonderful things. Designed, manufactured, and maintained for pleasure and calm. Never for violence, or to hurt, or to control others. I love fountains.
There now seems to be a finite number of times, I will enjoy a fountain. The sight and sound of this fountain made me sad.
Today I talked with a beautiful Siamese cat. I enjoyed it very much. Yet that time also, was sad.
I hugged Maddie, and I was sad.
But I will be dammed if I will search out the worst in life just so I will be glad I'll never have to do that particular thing again. Duh!
But what is the worst thing that can happen? Hmm...I guess having cancer has to be pretty high up on that list.
Not as bad as Ebola.
Should I be grateful I don't have Ebola? Of course I am. But that has nothing to do with whether I have cancer or not. I'm just glad I don't have Ebola right now.
People say for me to enjoy life to the fullest.
Yet the best part of life, is now the saddest part of life.
" I have one friend that says every second of life is precious, and must be cherished. I have another friend that says death is not a big deal. Two very opposite views." Not true in the least, as I am that second friend and should know. I believe that every second of life is precious and that death is not a big deal. And I believe this is a very Zen view of things. I saw some wonderful bugs yesterday, and heard the loud singing of the frogs in my pond (now that is something I couldn't live without) and rescued a new dog that was confiscated along with 5 others from a hoarder in Miami (dog has very little hair and is terrified of all humans), stopped at an old country store and ate potato chips. I had a great day. But I don't see death as a bad thing at all. It just is. Now on the other hand, I've never gotten a pronouncement of impending death, so who knows how I would feel if that happened. But I think that every tiny thing would become immeasurably sweet. Even more so than it is now. But that is a GOOD thing. No reason at all to be sad. Every reason to be really really happy.
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